Some days I feel like a dumb kid, blindly muddling through the strange and new. But a lot of days, like today, I feel older than I should, and made wiser by my own past stupidity. There are so many things that I didn't know in my innocence. Experience is a cruel teacher, as they say (I think), and I wish there were other ways to know what I know. Regardless, I feel like taking inventory tonight. It would have been nice to remain naive and ignorant, in a way, but I can't completely regret that such is not the case. So what have I learned? I will tell you. To what purpose? I don't really know yet. I hope to find out one day.
I know how to write a screenplay. I know how to replace the alternator on my car (which I wouldn't have to do if Maurice wasn't constantly breaking down); for that matter, I know that even five, carefully-placed bungee cords won't hold down the hood of an automobile. I've learned that I can only play the cheerleader role for so long before my inherent sarcasm seeps through and I start making wise cracks. (p.s.- why does nobody use that term anymore? wese got us a couple a wise guys ova here!) I've found out that a lot of people really don't admire intelligence if it outshines their own and that, for the most part, guys especially like to feel like they're teaching you things instead of ever having it the other way around. I know now that I would rather spend a day being goofy, confident, and wistful about singleness with my best friend than pass any time with a half-hearted flatterer or some guy who strokes my ego by thinking he's in love rather than just following his...nose. I've discovered over time that the easiest way a person can lose my interest is to cling to me, and the second easiest is to ignore me. I've kind of begun to view my life from a humorist point of view, like when I notice that my "suitors" constitute a parade of d-bags, and sometimes I've just got to smile and wave from the lead float in the procession.
I know the stale, tell-tale scent of a stoner and that no affection is worth competing with a drug or its symptomatic apathy. I have seen firsthand that grudges only destroy the grudge-holder, while those who inspired it walk free. I recognize that some friendship does not last. You take and give all you can, and then let it go at the appointed time. Other friends may remain forever, if you are one of the lucky ones who has found both depth and a person who can understand you in it. I know the difference between a good kisser and a guy who thinks he is a good kisser. And for that matter, I easily perceive the difference between boys and men, intelligence and someone who isn't as smart as he or she imagines him/herself to be. I see motives before I see actions, and usually think everybody has an angle. I am conscious of the fact that of all the males I have ever met, I have only known a handful of actual men. I've learned not to settle and come to terms with the fact that such determination probably means I will end up being a crazy cat lady, albeit one with humor and smashing good looks. ;)
I've picked up a couple tricks on a car battery that won't be jumped and how to finagle it so it will.
I've figured out some easy ways to reupholster pretty much all the furniture I own and how to scavenge for the materials to fill a new apartment on a budget. I've noticed that some fruit twice-tasted is bitter and that growing up causes things you found enjoyable before to seem lackluster at best. I have manipulated and I have been manipulated, and I'd really rather not be on either side again. I've learned that, as fancy as I want to be, Cheetos will probably always be one of my favorite foods. On that note, I know that I really like to eat and would not cut out culinary enjoyment to be skinny. I've gotten to the point where I love working out for the fun of it, and to be strong, rather than having it driven by a need to look "better."
I know that sometimes people with more experience should be listened to, because they've gained wisdom and can help you, and sometimes the reason they have more experience is that they're too stupid to learn from their first mistakes. I've learned to control my temper much better in the past, and to (usually) avoid hulking out or landsharking. I've seen that I can be both incredibly selfish and impressively unselfish, and it can change with the moment. I know that if I never kiss someone who has just smoked again, it will be too soon, and that I'll be damned if I'll be with a man-child who thrives on excessive video games and Natty Lite. Also, I've observed that the world seems to be run by overgrown frat boys (or wannabe frat boys) and the rest of us, until we rise above them into higher careers, will just have to clean up after them.
I feel like I've discovered so much more than this--but this is a good start. I feel much better now. haha. Don't regret things. Learn from them. And let the knowledge shape you into a more capable, independent person.
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