Blog 33: Stay Awhile

Fall, in all its splendor and with all its bittersweet memories, is almost here. Looking back, almost all of the best times I've had in the past few years have centered around this season: the beginnings of seemingly epic romances among them (two that truly come to mind.) And so it is that when the leaves fall, I sort of step back in time. Certain songs invoke the past so thoroughly that I could swear I was watching a movie of the old hopes and situations. Don't worry, I'm not writing this as a tragic, "woe is me," kind of blog; neither is it the "I'm fake happy and annoyingly inspirational" type. I just think there's something so romantically reflective about Autumn. It's perfect for letting yourself remember the glad instances you miss about people or circumstances you're better off without and shedding the bitterness.

I love how as it starts to get colder, the air begins to smell like fire. I love that the colors are warm and inviting and that the flavors of cinnamon, nutmeg, and pumpkin seem to grace pretty much all the food and drink. I love remembering how giddy I was to go through the corn maze or a haunted house with someone and imagine that he might take my hand if I got scared (though, you know, those boys just never did). I love thinking of playing at tearooms and coffee shops with Torches Together and how singing my songs made me feel like I got to unload my pain and struggles onto a whole audience in a way that could touch and help them also. I love flannel shirts and brown boots and dressing up for Halloween. I love listening to Erick Baker's song "Stay Awhile"and being such a girl that I dream of having a song written just for me, of being admired--and then I turn around and listen to Damien Rice's "Cannonball" and feel loss and just that small drama of love-fear. I love reminiscing over high school football games and all the adventures that built my first semester of college. I love that I can wear my awesome leather jacket and other great clothes that make me look a lot less like Miss Piggy than I do in the summer. haha.

Fall is the time that I think of all the wonderful (and not-so-wonderful) people who have come and gone from my life, helping me to become who I am. Where they are now, what they did to inflict wounds--it doesn't matter now if I can let go and recall the lessons they taught. Sometimes people are meant to stay awhile. But sometimes, they're meant to walk away. Like the leaves depart, causing the trees to remain cold, naked, and solitary for some time, they take parts of us with them and then we are blessed with new and beautiful blooms at the right moment. Maybe I got carried away with the tree analogy. It's a bit after-school-special, but it gets my point across. There's a perfect balance of tragedy and hopefulness in this season. This year could be the one where a truly epic romance begins, or it could be a time that I meet new and faithful friends who will remain. It could be neither. But one thing I know: there will be apple cider, there will be trick-or-treaters, there will be magic, and there will be a fantastic turkey dinner with my family.

Blog 32: Flashbacks

I was going through my old stuff and reading things I've written in the past few years. It was bittersweet for me, because I got to see the unbelievably innocent girl I used to be. In some ways, I feel far improved. In others, I envy the me of my past. Regardless, I thought I'd post a "flashback" of some of my older work.

"Known Secret"

Waiting, knowing, expecting
But there's too much at stake
This silence I'm longing to break
Anticipating, doubting, remembering
Just how am I to know?
Partiality doesn't always show
Outward: tortuously waiting

Inward--furiously debating.                    

"You Again"

Petals falling one by one and I'm ripping at the seams
I wonder do you dream of me?
It's hard to hide these stars in my eyes but as for you-
Indifference is the most discouraging disguise.
On the edge of being real, I'm far too scared to leap
With a look in the eye you can banish the troubled thoughts I keep
I'm not accustomed to showing my face
Those who truly know me are few and far between
I peek out from the veil, but only in my dreams

This is new, is it true?
I find myself not knowing what to do
Life is no fairytale, I've decided
"Don't expect anything more," the critics softly chided

Then again--the idea of something more--I just can't let it go
Someday I'll know and my face will finally show.

 

"To the Snakes"

Relentless brood of vipers, I wash my hands of you.
So often have I turned the other cheek,
My face is battered and bruised.
So hide away your plastic smiles, save them in your storage piles;
Put them with those "kind words" so decidedly false.
And I'll lay aside my foolish hopes that you'll read the writing on your own whitewashed walls.

For you've spat upon my upturned eyes,
Stinging softly with venom disguised;
The quieter the blow, the worse it burns with time.

Poison candy-coated will deadly remain
Only cowards need to shift the blame.
"She'll come back!" the solemn circle proudly proclaimed,
But mangled by your stones, I couldn't return the same.

I'm finished and I'm done,
So keep your scarlet letters.
In this place that used to be a home,
Now filled with pointed fingers and golden fetters.

This garden is riddled with wormwood
So much slashing and burning to do
Time to dig a grave for this hatchet
I have to reply: "Forgiven!" until a mended heart makes it true.

"Embers and Ashes"

Standing at the nearest distance
Side by side but miles apart
The candles have been extinguished
Embers turned to ashes from the start
Such kind words in your goodbyes--

But upon my return--

Reception dark and bitter
Meaningless smiles that burn.

Your hearth has grown cold
We once kindled a fellowship here
Of brothers and sisters united, bold
Now I find such things have disappeared.

"Repentance"

The presence of our Love
Has come and gone with the breezes of the day
Oh, but we're so busy grasping for the wind
And setting up our statuettes, we worship all but Him.

So turn your eyes, your stifled cries
Upon a worthier cause
And hearken your ears that you may hear
In quiet reverence, be still, be paused.

We have snuffed the fire out
Within the cold walls of our own unfeeling hearts
Water it down, by all means, in fear of simple truth
Blend the blacks and whites until they're soft, we're only making do.

So lift your heads, turn over in your beds
Right to left and right again
And open your mouths, mending all your broken vows
Call it failure, call it fraud, call it sin.

"Lay It Down"

I am a daughter, I am a son; put me together, I come undone.

Thought I was wise, thought I knew tragedy until it's cloud was over me

And now- I sit here stunned...I am stunned.



I am a kingdom, I am a cross; I am a broken vessel painted with innocence lost

I've sought the truth that'd suit my boundless pride, only to see those methods die

And here- I'm at a loss...I'm at a loss



I am a sanctuary where misconceptions rest; they fall like leaves upon the field of second-bests

I could just drown in this complacency, not see the dreams You have for me, I'd die for less!

Am I to be another jaded one who cowers at the rising sun?

We need to clean up this mess.



And so I'm laying down my life for You

I'll make the sacrifice for You

And in this garden, I gain more than I have lost; I gain more than I have lost.



I am a soldier, I am a child; I am a lovesick fool, singing and dancing wild

I've known the pain, the chains of apathy, but now You've ripped that out of me

How far we've come- so many miles.



I'm finally laying down my life for You

I've made this sacrifice for You

My life's a garden where I gain more than I have lost

Though the Potter's wheel is a hard place to be

I know Your hand is healing me

And I can say- in truth- that I am Yours.

Blog 31: The REAL American Idol Experience, Part III (The Exciting Conclusion)

For all of you who harbor any misconceptions of the audition process, I neither saw nor met any of the celebrity judges. They do not show up for initial auditions at all. Ryan Seacrest did show up for all of five minutes to get some very staged camera shots of him in/with the crowd. They make sure all the seats are filled where the camera is swinging closest. They say: "Stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, scream! Wave your arms, say this phrase, sing this song! (which just so happened to be Lady Gaga's "Edge of Glory"--a horrible excuse for a song that we listened to dozens of time because it was the only thing they played while we waited). I must say, it was disillusioning to see the whole process. Seacrest did that as quickly as possible, then handed off the mic and disappeared. Then the "glamorous" part ended and the auditions began.


In the center of the Coliseum (on the floor), they set up twelve tables separated from one another by sheets of cloth. At each table there are one or two judges, most of them being junior producers, I believe. They call you out by seating sections. Getting there that early in the morning really is pointless, because you're given a ticket that dictates exactly where you are to sit. Since we registered on the second day, we were in the nosebleed section and consequently didn't audition til they were about to close up shop. We watched and listened. Some sub-par singers went through, some excellent ones didn't. All of the judges appeared to be fun and nice, save one set. Table three: the auditionee's worst nightmare. We observed them all day and they maybe accepted three out of the three hundred people that went through that day. I prayed "Please don't send me there!"


I'll confess that one of my favorite things to watch were the people who walked up not confidently, but cockily. They'd be over the top, they'd sing good and loud, they'd smirk at their companions disdainfully--and when they didn't make it, I couldn't help but grin. Another great thing to observe was the young teens who made it. They'd run over to the parents' section on the floor, shrieking gleefully and waving their 'golden ticket.' One girl got so excited that she ran a circle around the floor by accident because she didn't know where she was supposed to go. It was so adorable! There was, of course, one woman who threw a hissy fit about not making it. She stood on the floor for about 30 minutes, refusing to leave, cussing, and talking REAL ghetto before she was escorted out by security. I unfortunately missed all but the tail-end of that incident, as I was taking a very uncomfortable nap. haha.


So, it had been hours (and hours and hours), and let me tell you, we were not looking fresh. The humidity of the morning had caused a lot of sweat which in turn caused my clothes to look almost...wilted? I touched up my makeup here and there, but my inadvertent napping probably took a toll on my appearance as well. So much for looking fly. When our section was FINALLY called, I was so exhausted and sore from the seating arrangement that I said: "Honestly, at this point, I care more about getting this over with and getting out of here than I do about making it. I just want to leave!" And everyone around me stared, appalled. God forbid making it on TV not be my life goal. haha. We marched down the steps, I rather wearily. Once we hit the floor we stood in line a little longer. Shannon, the girl who sat in front of us, was very nervous. We both chatted with the security guy directing the front of the line. He seemed amused that the concern/excitement about auditioning had completely drained from me. It was pretty funny.


Initially, we were sent to table two. The ladies who sat there seemed super nice. They had been laughing and smiling all day long. We all breathed a sigh of relief and a bit of enthusiasm came back to me for a moment. Then, the fateful call was made to scootch us on over to the dreaded table three. "The line's moving faster over there," said the security guy, "And I turned to my companions and said "Well, there goes our shot. At least it's almost over!" Two nodded, resigned, while one girl smirked (yes, there was one of those in my group). Table three housed two twenty-something hipsters, a guy and a girl. The guy had a skanky 'stache, a white v-neck tee, and a dirty brown ponytail. He seemed to have an aversion to looking at anyone he judged. The girl sort of reminded me of a dirty version of Caroline Bingley in Pride and Prejudice (the newer movie version, with Keira Knightley). She also did her best to appear bored and a bit pissed. She waved each of us up one at a time, waving impatiently when she wanted us to stop.


I sang "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy, looking at them both in turn, and showing a bit of emotion. For example... Any of you who came to the old Torches Together shows and heard me sing this song know I get pretty into it. I actually got Mr. Hoobajank to look me right in the eye, uncomfortable as he seemed. I thought it a good sign that they let me sing a full 10 seconds longer than anyone else in my group. They stopped me and then took to whispering behind their clipboards. Then came what I expected. They waved us forward and the girl said "Like, you guys are really good and all, but you're not what we're looking for." And then we all walked away, me relieved, the others devastated. The cocky girl cried.


My brother Luke called and I told him about the audition. He was indignant. "How could they not pick you?" I replied: "Well, there were a lot of really good people that didn't make it." He shot back: "But I've HEARD you! There's no way!" haha. If you knew the very critical nature of my brother Luke, you would see how very encouraging this exchange was--he doesn't do insincere flattery. I spoke with the rest of my family at their behest and they all said similar things. One thing I did get from the audition was a renewed desire to do music. I have always loved it. I've been taking a break, but I plan to pick up the old guitar again soon and get cracking. It's just time. I've got to give the people what they want! haha. Regretfully, we didn't have much time or money to really enjoy Charleston's coolness. Parking is like $2 every thirty minutes there. But we had some good times, regardless.



Anywho, photo montage!

It's a beautiful day, don't let it get away!

I just love that hat. Maybe a little too much.

I was in the middle of saying: "Don't take a picture from that horrible angle!"

If you can't be skinny, go for style. haha, this is me, keeping it retro. ;)

Our reaction to the guys trying to get our attention by throwing a football a little too close to our towels. haha

We took this while stuck in traffic. We look a lot more chipper than we felt, I assure you.

The Coliseum, the thousands...

The morning's cheer and sassy good looks were fading...

Trying to regain some sense of excitement...

My questionnaire.

The judging tables.

I secretly want to shoot myself right now...

My sentiments, exactly.

On our way to our doom...:)

Note the look of distress. The nefarious duo at table three...

Ready to go out on the town after the audition!

Dani also sassin' it up to hit Charleston/Folly Beach.

I just love red lipstick. It makes me feel very "Old Hollywood."

We bounced back from the "disappointment" of the day pretty quickly.

All right, enough posing in the hotel room...

One more pose, for the road...Sweet freedom? Yes.

Heading home, rocking out.

Out of money and tired as hell=happy to be on our way back.

Don't even tell me you didn't think I'd make it.

Just happy as clams.

Singing dramatically...probably something silly like "Bootylicious" but I can't remember. 

THE END

Blog 30: The REAL American Idol Experience Part II

Let's see...where did I leave off? Oh yes, we went to bed early(ish). So 3:30am rolled around and the alarm went off. We both grumbled angrily. There had been a plan to pay a little visit to WaHo (Waffle House, for those of you who aren't up on our cool terminology) before heading to the Coliseum. "Do you want breakfast or do you want more sleep?" I asked, yawning. "SLEEP," croaked Dani as she rolled back over. I agreed heartily. We slept until about 4:15 and then I hopped out of bed to get ready. I had a hunch that a lot of girls would be wearing frou frou little dresses and/or boots, so I opted for what I like to call my sailor outfit. Don't think Sucker Punch. Think retro movie star. I had a loose navy blue tee and these awesome retro bell-bottoms that are white with blue pinstripes and have nifty buttons. I wore red lipstick and red heels and basically looked like a BOSS. I was too lazy to let my hair do anything but the HayBoo special (which is when I basically wash it and roll out of bed the next day, thankfully with an interesting curl it does all its own). I dragged Dani out of her pillow fortress and we set out. All those people I had laughed at the previous night for staying up so late were already gone. Yeah, we were some of the last ones in our hotel gone out of the auditionees. Woopsie.

Traffic off the exit to the Coliseum was beyond ridiculous. The worst part was the people who refused to wait in the line like the rest of us. I will admit that we didn't exactly behave in a ladylike fashion to those jerks. We had the windows down and made a few comments. Trying to stay snugly behind the car preceding us in order to not be cut off for the eighth time, we blocked out this one car and looked at them pointedly. They didn't even have a turn signal on until after they had started trying to cut us off, so we jetted forward. The girl in the passenger seat rolled down her window and said "Can we get in?" as if we were the ones breaking all the rules of courteous driving. I just stared, appalled, and Dani snapped: "Why don't you learn to use your turn signal next time?!" and let them in front of us. There may have been some unpleasant hand gestures involved...Hey. It was early and stressful. haha. I pretty much laughed at the absurdity of it.

Once we got there, parking wasn't too terribly bad. It was shortly after 5am and I was excited...until I saw the huge array of people already waiting. We walked in a huge circle to come to the end of the line and by the time we got there, we were sweating. It was entirely too hot to be that time of day. I'm guessing it was about 95 with about 110% humidity...and I'm not exaggerating. Stifling. The staff had us corralled and commanded that we all be seated on the gravelly and uneven concrete. I was glad for the first time that I hadn't worn my little frou frou dress, because let me tell you--it would have been difficult to sit modestly. We chatted with a sweet 16 year old kid and his overbearing mom, snacked on the Snickers we had sneaked and some Kool-Aid (breakfast of champions), and eventually brought out the deck of UNO cards we had brought, playing two rounds before the line moved. I won, in case you were wondering. I took it as a good omen. I never win at games.

All around, people were camera-whoring it up. Look at me! Look at me! I couldn't bear to do it. Some were funny (like the guy who held up a sign that said I HATE CROWDS for like twenty minutes without cracking a smile as they filmed him), but most were particularly full of themselves and a bit rude. One such person was near us in line most of the way. I hate to be crass, but she looked like a hipster-prostitute version of Peter Pan. It was bad. She loudly struck at her guitar and sang--and it wasn't that she was bad, but that she was ordinary and unaware of it. The camera guy at one point actually asked her to tone it down. haha. I may have been in a crowd shot or two, but I hate begging for attention. I made faces or sang or acted goofy when asked.

Four hours later, soaked with sweat and limping on blistered feet, we finally made it into the Coliseum, where we would sit for NINE more hours before I got to audition. I saw tons of interesting people, including but not limited to: a man dressed as a Conehead with his girlfriend wearing plasticky black leggings and thigh-high boots (completing the look with long, crimped hair), a guy wearing nothing but a pumpkin costume and a trucker hat, and approximately 1,576 blonde girls in frilly white dresses with cowboy boots (the exact look I shied away from at the last minute). We also saw way more awful cleavage than anyone should have to see in a day. Our row was cramped and crowded, and we sat next to a father and daughter who had us get up and move from our seats so they could go walk around at least twenty times. In front of us sat a pretty cool chick named Shannon. We chatted through the day. I think she was 16 or 17? She and her dad were nice people, and I actually ended up in the same four-person audition group with her later in the day.

There is, of course, much more to tell. In order to spare your eyes and your time, I will save the rest for another installment. Here are a few of the pictures that chronicled the trip (though not all).

The very first photo taken on the journey to Charleston. Can't get away from Starbucks!

Dani was surprisingly cheerful considering she had a lot less sleep than me. haha.

This bridge was on our way to the beach. It's hard to tell how cool it is architecturally, or how terrifyingly high up it is!

Pictures don't do Sullivan's Island Beach justice. It looked like a fairy land at this point.

I love to look at the ships in the foggy distance.

All right...that's all you get for now! Stay tuned once again, for the exciting conclusion, The REAL American Idol Experience Part III!

Blog 29: The REAL American Idol Experience, Part I

So I know everyone has been expecting me to write a blog about my American Idol experience…Frankly, I don’t really want to because it’s not quite as fun or glamorous as everyone imagines…but I will do it anyway. All three of you who care about what’s going on in my “exciting” life will be utterly thrilled. Haha. Where to begin? Well, to begin with, the whole thing was not really my idea. I actually don’t like any of those shows and haven’t watched them in years. However, after lots of prodding from lots of people, I thought: “Well, I’m REAL poor and I probably won’t make it—but what if I DO??” So, that is the literal thought process that propelled me all the way to Charleston. Knowing the background, I should hope that you realize that my not making it was neither surprising nor devastating. If I hear one more person using the “you’re pitiful” voice, I might lose it. All that said, I probably didn’t have enough money to go. I’m still suffering the consequences of putting my paycheck toward travel expenses. But hey, it was an adventure. Ish.

We left after I got off of work at Starbucks Wednesday night around 10pm, drove for about 20 minutes (and were making very good time) when I realized I did not have my passport. Now, you see, you supposedly need two forms of ID to audition. Emphasis on the supposedly. So we turned around and drove all the way back to the apartment, where I preceded to toss things about until I located the blasted document. We would later discover that the whole 45 minutes we spent on that mission was a complete waste of time, as no one even took a cursory glance at the bloody thing! Anywho, we went down the road to a gas station and then I realized that I had left my phone at the apartment during my frantic search…so we had to go back again. At that time, I was REAL upset and REAL tired. (I know, by the way, that I am using atrocious grammar. I assure you it is for the purpose of humor.) Dani, my friend since junior high for those of you who don’t know, was very patient with me. She drove all the way to her aunt’s, a few hours away, without even complaining that I slept the whole way. We arrived around three in the morning and crashed until around 6am and headed off. Of course, we had to make a Starbucks stop, as I am terribly dependent upon it (Sidenote: the Greenville Starbucks is MUCH fancier than ours).

Blah blah, fast forward to hours and hours later—we arrived at the North Charleston Coliseum and waltzed right in for registration. We were pleasantly surprised with no line. They give you a paper to fill out, informational stuff, and a wristband (with the explicit warning that you not damage, remove, or dampen it at all) and then you’re on your way. Among the paperwork is a questionnaire. I love such things. It brought me back to the heyday of Myspace surveys. In any case, we set all responsibility aside and headed to the beach just after discovering that we couldn’t check into our hotel room until later that day. Then, oh crap! Another obstacle. I hadn’t printed off the necessary release form. With our [somewhat] trusty GPS, we used classic HayBoo ingenuity and tracked down a local library. I felt like singing the Reading Rainbow theme in celebration. We printed off the form, quick as a whip, and then changed into our bathing suits in the library bathroom. Also, about that bathroom—the toilets were weirdly high up. Seriously. I felt like I was five with my feet dangling off of the floor. Hahaha. It was very strange. Is that weird to mention? Maybe…Oh well.

It took us a little minute to find the nearest beach, which just so happened to be Sullivan’s Island. Unfortunately, we didn’t make it to Folly Beach, which is supposed to be fantastic. However, Sullivan’s Island is home to a lovely lighthouse as well as some cute little restaurants (none of which we really had money to visit. Haha) Regardless, it was butt hot. Too freakin’ stifling outside to spend more than an hour there. Even the water was hot. Well, uncommonly warm anyway. We waded in until we were waist-deep and stood there enjoying the ocean until we had a shrieking “Something touched me!” moment and went galloping out of the water, making kerplunking splashy noises the whole way. It sounds silly, but seriously—something touched me.

We spent a few minutes trying to get any manner of picture that didn’t make us look like cows and for the most part failed miserably. But we did enjoy the beauty of the setting for the short while we could bear the heat. Then, back to the hotel to check in. There were several other people staying there who would be auditioning. I heard some of them singing and thought “Uh oh!” And I heard some and thought: “Wow, comparatively, I’m ridiculously awesome.” Haha. They were outside on the patio/balcony/veranda/whatever you want to call it all night while we went to bed earlyish, snickering to ourselves that the fools would probably be late in the morning. And so ended the first day. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion…(And the next blog will chronicle the trip in pictures!)