Blog 31: The REAL American Idol Experience, Part III (The Exciting Conclusion)

For all of you who harbor any misconceptions of the audition process, I neither saw nor met any of the celebrity judges. They do not show up for initial auditions at all. Ryan Seacrest did show up for all of five minutes to get some very staged camera shots of him in/with the crowd. They make sure all the seats are filled where the camera is swinging closest. They say: "Stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, scream! Wave your arms, say this phrase, sing this song! (which just so happened to be Lady Gaga's "Edge of Glory"--a horrible excuse for a song that we listened to dozens of time because it was the only thing they played while we waited). I must say, it was disillusioning to see the whole process. Seacrest did that as quickly as possible, then handed off the mic and disappeared. Then the "glamorous" part ended and the auditions began.


In the center of the Coliseum (on the floor), they set up twelve tables separated from one another by sheets of cloth. At each table there are one or two judges, most of them being junior producers, I believe. They call you out by seating sections. Getting there that early in the morning really is pointless, because you're given a ticket that dictates exactly where you are to sit. Since we registered on the second day, we were in the nosebleed section and consequently didn't audition til they were about to close up shop. We watched and listened. Some sub-par singers went through, some excellent ones didn't. All of the judges appeared to be fun and nice, save one set. Table three: the auditionee's worst nightmare. We observed them all day and they maybe accepted three out of the three hundred people that went through that day. I prayed "Please don't send me there!"


I'll confess that one of my favorite things to watch were the people who walked up not confidently, but cockily. They'd be over the top, they'd sing good and loud, they'd smirk at their companions disdainfully--and when they didn't make it, I couldn't help but grin. Another great thing to observe was the young teens who made it. They'd run over to the parents' section on the floor, shrieking gleefully and waving their 'golden ticket.' One girl got so excited that she ran a circle around the floor by accident because she didn't know where she was supposed to go. It was so adorable! There was, of course, one woman who threw a hissy fit about not making it. She stood on the floor for about 30 minutes, refusing to leave, cussing, and talking REAL ghetto before she was escorted out by security. I unfortunately missed all but the tail-end of that incident, as I was taking a very uncomfortable nap. haha.


So, it had been hours (and hours and hours), and let me tell you, we were not looking fresh. The humidity of the morning had caused a lot of sweat which in turn caused my clothes to look almost...wilted? I touched up my makeup here and there, but my inadvertent napping probably took a toll on my appearance as well. So much for looking fly. When our section was FINALLY called, I was so exhausted and sore from the seating arrangement that I said: "Honestly, at this point, I care more about getting this over with and getting out of here than I do about making it. I just want to leave!" And everyone around me stared, appalled. God forbid making it on TV not be my life goal. haha. We marched down the steps, I rather wearily. Once we hit the floor we stood in line a little longer. Shannon, the girl who sat in front of us, was very nervous. We both chatted with the security guy directing the front of the line. He seemed amused that the concern/excitement about auditioning had completely drained from me. It was pretty funny.


Initially, we were sent to table two. The ladies who sat there seemed super nice. They had been laughing and smiling all day long. We all breathed a sigh of relief and a bit of enthusiasm came back to me for a moment. Then, the fateful call was made to scootch us on over to the dreaded table three. "The line's moving faster over there," said the security guy, "And I turned to my companions and said "Well, there goes our shot. At least it's almost over!" Two nodded, resigned, while one girl smirked (yes, there was one of those in my group). Table three housed two twenty-something hipsters, a guy and a girl. The guy had a skanky 'stache, a white v-neck tee, and a dirty brown ponytail. He seemed to have an aversion to looking at anyone he judged. The girl sort of reminded me of a dirty version of Caroline Bingley in Pride and Prejudice (the newer movie version, with Keira Knightley). She also did her best to appear bored and a bit pissed. She waved each of us up one at a time, waving impatiently when she wanted us to stop.


I sang "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy, looking at them both in turn, and showing a bit of emotion. For example... Any of you who came to the old Torches Together shows and heard me sing this song know I get pretty into it. I actually got Mr. Hoobajank to look me right in the eye, uncomfortable as he seemed. I thought it a good sign that they let me sing a full 10 seconds longer than anyone else in my group. They stopped me and then took to whispering behind their clipboards. Then came what I expected. They waved us forward and the girl said "Like, you guys are really good and all, but you're not what we're looking for." And then we all walked away, me relieved, the others devastated. The cocky girl cried.


My brother Luke called and I told him about the audition. He was indignant. "How could they not pick you?" I replied: "Well, there were a lot of really good people that didn't make it." He shot back: "But I've HEARD you! There's no way!" haha. If you knew the very critical nature of my brother Luke, you would see how very encouraging this exchange was--he doesn't do insincere flattery. I spoke with the rest of my family at their behest and they all said similar things. One thing I did get from the audition was a renewed desire to do music. I have always loved it. I've been taking a break, but I plan to pick up the old guitar again soon and get cracking. It's just time. I've got to give the people what they want! haha. Regretfully, we didn't have much time or money to really enjoy Charleston's coolness. Parking is like $2 every thirty minutes there. But we had some good times, regardless.



Anywho, photo montage!

It's a beautiful day, don't let it get away!

I just love that hat. Maybe a little too much.

I was in the middle of saying: "Don't take a picture from that horrible angle!"

If you can't be skinny, go for style. haha, this is me, keeping it retro. ;)

Our reaction to the guys trying to get our attention by throwing a football a little too close to our towels. haha

We took this while stuck in traffic. We look a lot more chipper than we felt, I assure you.

The Coliseum, the thousands...

The morning's cheer and sassy good looks were fading...

Trying to regain some sense of excitement...

My questionnaire.

The judging tables.

I secretly want to shoot myself right now...

My sentiments, exactly.

On our way to our doom...:)

Note the look of distress. The nefarious duo at table three...

Ready to go out on the town after the audition!

Dani also sassin' it up to hit Charleston/Folly Beach.

I just love red lipstick. It makes me feel very "Old Hollywood."

We bounced back from the "disappointment" of the day pretty quickly.

All right, enough posing in the hotel room...

One more pose, for the road...Sweet freedom? Yes.

Heading home, rocking out.

Out of money and tired as hell=happy to be on our way back.

Don't even tell me you didn't think I'd make it.

Just happy as clams.

Singing dramatically...probably something silly like "Bootylicious" but I can't remember. 

THE END