Blog 44: 7 Reasons Why I Hate Women

All right, so hate is a very strong word. I really don't hate anyone. A more apt, though less catchy title, would've been: "7 Reasons Why I Want to Punch Women in the Face for Making Me Lose All Hope in Mankind." But you've got to be pithy and extreme with titles, you know--draw the readers in with them. Maybe I've demonstrated the behaviors I'm about to describe, but I have striven to avoid them at all costs for my entire life. I'm basically a dude in a lot of ways, even though I clean up real nice. First, I'll relate the story that prompted this list, as it is fresh on my mind and I think it will help me stop seething if I type it out. haha. Another comment I'd like to make is that I'm obviously making generalities here. I can't live thinking ALL women are this way...because, well, I am one.

That day was a great day all around, though I won't bore you with the mundane details of my contentment. It all culminated in getting off work at my temp job an hour and a half early. Excitedly, I trotted down the stairs and out to the parking lot. Once I got in my car, I uttered the sad, "No, no, no. Please start" that I usually speak when I do something stupid such as, oh I don't know--leaving my freaking lights on and killing Maurice's battery. Of course, I had already been at work for 8 hours, so barring a miracle, it was not going to start. In the past, when I've had car trouble, I've just automatically called AAA because I get too embarrassed to ask for help. This time, however, I wasn't going to be so ridiculous. I didn't want to wait between 45 minutes to an hour when I could just ask for help. A lot of us were getting off early, so surely someone would have time. I started with two ladies in the parking lot. "Excuse me," I said, I hate to ask but I left my lights on and my car needs a jump. I have cables and I know how to do it. I just need another battery to jump it off with." The first response: "I can't." (pointing) "Ask her!"...This next part I'll write sort of like a screenplay...

The Hapless Redhead jogs in the direction of another woman, hurriedly leaving the parking lot, and explains the situation again.

Hurrying Lady: (Pointing toward the building over her shoulder) Go inside to the door on the right.

The Hapless Redhead: Uh--o-okay. Thanks. (Jogs to car to get keys and shut the door. Then walks inside.)

Hurrying Lady: You're welcome.

THR enters building. Two women coworkers get off of the elevator and walk in her direction, Douchey McGee and Airhead McLazy Pants.

THR: (explains exact same way)

Douchey McGee: I would, but I don't have time. (turning to friend) Do you have jumper cables? If you do, you can go find--

THR: Oh, I have jumper cables--

Douchey Mcgee: (ignoring THR completely and addressing her friend, who stands open-mouthed) Yeah, if you're willing to wait for her, just go find Janitor So and So and he can do it.

THR: But--

Airhead McLazy Pants: (Makes stupid sound, then just looks, confused, back and forth between the two other women)

THR: (realizing neither of the two women are going to do anything but waste time) It's okay. If neither of you can help, I'll just go ask around and find someone else. (Walks toward the stairs)

Douchey McGee: (Heading toward the door) Just go find So and So. Don't you know who that is?

THR: Nope. (continues on her way)

Douchey McGee: (shouting) Don't be rude to ME! Blah blah blah I'm a jerk. (<---obviously, that part is verbatim)


Okay...that method is going to take way too long. Moving on. Next came running up the stairs and asking the receptionist if she knew anyone who could help (because the 'room on the right' I was originally directed to was empty). She, like the other women, only shook her head, confused. Nobody can jump off a car. What? That's crazy talk. There were like three women coming out of the office who heard my whole predicament, glanced at me, and got on the elevator to leave anyway. I was upset. I went down the stairs, calling AAA and resigning myself to a long wait. Thank goodness, my friend (who is one of the leads there) just happened to be on break and he graciously came out to help. It took all of five minutes. Yeah LADIES. FIVE MINUTES! How terrible to wait five minutes longer. It makes me so angry that people are too selfish to help anyone in need. I have jumped off two cars in that parking lot, and I didn't have to be asked. I saw the people having trouble and went over to inquire if they needed a jump. And as much as I like to help people, that's not exactly Mother Teresa level behavior. It's just a common courtesy situation. Anywho, on to the point...


7 Reasons Why I Hate Women


7: They all hate each other for being competition. I can't tell you how many times I've been fear-friended on Facebook (when a girl friends you despite not knowing you, because you've commented on some guy's page...then she stalks you a little). I can't tell you how many times I've had menopausal managers who were perfectly kind to all the male workers but basically went all Evil Queen on any other women who worked there. It's disgusting. Also...there are those crazy girls who hate you for even being in the same room as their boyfriends or what-have-you.

6: Too many of them think that acting stupid is cute. (Speaking with that annoying voice where all their "s's" are weirdly emphasized--yeah, you know what I'm talking about) "Oh. My. God. Let me tell you the ssstory of the time I acted like ssssuch an idiot and didn't even realize how dumb it wasss until sssomeone totally exssssplained it to me!" (giggles)

5: They have stupid voices. (See above)

4: They always act like there's an audience. The other day I noticed a chick at Starbucks talking to a friend. Every exaggerated facial expression, every look-around laugh, every pristine sip on her coffee looked like it was calculated for someone to see it. "I hope everyone sees how cute and happy I'm being over here. Can't stop smiling or someone might not think I'm adorable!" Everything has to be a show or a big production as a ploy for attention instead of letting themselves proceed in a natural way. Everything seems so fake. Some examples: girls who order bottled versions of the beers on draft (I'm not going to explain why), girls who only order salad on dates, girls who wear a ton of makeup and designer clothes to the gym. Another gem in this category of annoying behavior would be those chicks who take pictures of every single thing that they do. "This is me and my lunch! This is me wearing a hat! This is me totally sitting in a grassy field on a sunny day."

3: They feign ignorance so often--as if they don't know what they're saying with those dirty double entendres; as if they don't see the poor schmucks they flirt with getting hopelessly hooked; as if they don't strategically wear thin, white shirts on rainy days. They are so often pretenders, rather than straight-shooters.

2: They like the dumbest things. Case in point? Twilight. Titanic. UGG boots. Coach accessories of any kind (hello? What is so aesthetically appealing about a bunch of c's on basically plain brown cloth?). I could go on and on, but I'm sure you catch my drift by now.

1: They are far less likely to lend a helping hand to someone with a flat tire, a dead battery, a spilled change purse, or a dropped set of keys. They're so freaking paranoid about the entire world being out to get them, that they lose all sense of what it means to help their fellow man. When I approached the women who were technically my coworkers, they looked at me suspiciously and were extremely standoffish. Me, in my purple hat, little dress, and flowered rain boots. It's not like I was some big, hulking thug with bad grammar and gold teeth, wandering around downtown with some story about needing cash to feed my baby mama. A polite "excuse me!" began the conversation, and objectively, I looked adorably approachable. I just can't begin to imagine why women are so self-centered these days. Not that men can't be egocentric or that I imagine that they always have the purest of motives when helping a lady, but damn. I'd rather people help me just because they think they're going to get something out of it than not help at all. Too many women are sorely lacking the hero complex which, in the right measure, makes a person perform the duties of a "good Samaritan" in their everyday lives. I would've even accepted a half-assed good deed where someone simply pulled the car around, staying inside while I did everything on my own (in the rain. Did I mention it was raining that day? Or drizzling, rather.).

There you have it. I tried to make this humorous rather than mean...but like usual, it's probably a bit of both. I just get so tired of being constantly embarrassed by my entire gender and their shit. It's like going out to eat with a friend for the first time and realizing that he or she is one of those deplorable people who acts horribly rude to the wait-staff and then doesn't tip. If you're a decent human being, you feel apologetic and want to make up for it. Well, you can generally make up for a douchey dinner date with a sizable tip and a kind word or two, but it is much more difficult to compensate for the horrid activities of 90% of the women you know on a daily basis. haha.