Now, I think that whoever made up the word "hater" should be shot. And yet, it made me think. In my case, it's not so much trying to win over the 'haters,' but trying to fix people who are just (for lack of a better term) assholes. I'm pretty sure that's what Elise was saying...mostly in direct commentary on my love life (although I've had some pretty douchey 'friends' as well). There's something in me that just can't stand to watch people wallow in self-pity, depression, anger, bitterness, and so on. There's something in me that has to show those people that happiness is not only possible, but absolutely probable if they would stop for one moment and think of all the things in their lives that are worthy of being thankful for--they aren't starving, they aren't uneducated, they aren't being drafted into guerilla warfare or forced into the sex trade. People all around the world are suffering and dying, and we whine about something as stupid as a bad latte...just all the time. It's sort of a grodie behavior. Yes, I just sad grodie. No, it isn't 1996.
I don't know what this says about my character, but I'm sort of a magnet for hardened hearts. The insecure, selfish, angry, decidedly apathetic, self-segregated...they all want to latch onto this lady. And I usually let them, I'm sorry to say. It's like trying to be a life preserver for someone who has willingly attached hundred-pound weights to his ankles. Weaker vessels would be completely drained by this vampiric species we call jerks, but thankfully I always bounce back really quickly. It's a gift.
In some ways, I really am the Jerk Whisperer. When these people hang out with me, they're sometimes on their very best behavior. They're cheered up, they go light on the trashiness, they at least acknowledge that happiness exists. Hell, a few even try reading. Crazy, right? But the fix is only ever temporary because it's in pursuit of my approval, and I am stingy with praise when I don't believe a change is genuine. Most jerks prefer the lazy, coward's way out, so they give up after several "No, I will not marry you" statements. Moderating attitude, putting others before yourself, working hard--what nonsense. We should all just sit on our asses, drink beer, and play video games, all the while complaining about what a terrible place this world is and how unfair it is that we can't find anyone to love us.
I'm really big on Facebook. It makes me feel like I'm communicating all the time and I just love it. The other night, I posted a status about needing to get out of my head, and received a text from someone asking what was bothering me. I feel like my response would seem lackluster to most people, but I explained that it all came from observing hopeless, lost-in-the-dark friends. I spend a lot of time compounding world problems in my mind just because of coming in contact with unhappy people. How can I fix it? Should I punch all of them in their faces? Should I just try and shrug it off? No on the last. Never give up on your picture of a beautiful world. Do I genuinely hurt for these friends? Yes. I often feel broken-hearted that they choose not to see how great things could be, how much of a difference they could make if they'd just get off of their asses and try. But I also spend a lot of time just wanting to shake it out of them. Or karate chop it out of them, Jackie Chan style. Or roundhouse kick it out of them, Chuck Norris style. Violence is the answer? What? No. No, probably not. Damnit.
My best friend, my sisters, and other people in my life are constantly asking me things like: "Why are you friends with her?" or "Why do you hang out with him?" followed by: "He's an asshole" or "She's a liar." It's not that I don't see the horrible qualities of these jerks--I am neither blind nor stupid. It's that I cannot shake a sense of responsibility to make an effort on their behalf. It's that I can't just walk away from people who are drowning in their own bullshit. They have to see even an inkling of compassion. I do believe that one day it could completely change them. So, I will probably continue to give of myself with perhaps no tangible results, as insane as it can make me. I will not, however, be getting into romances with d-bags anymore.
In short, it seems I will remain the Jerk Whisperer, but the Beauty and the Beast complex has to end at some point. After awhile, it becomes a lack of self-respect to 'fall in like' with guys who berate you for being "too fat," "too smart," or (in one case) too unwilling to disavow your own family for not being spotlessly perfect. Let's avoid that rant, however. The point is, my heart unfortunately goes out to all of you egocentric bastards out there. And my realist-idealist, far-too-tenderhearted nature will make me hold out my hand to you for the rest of my days.
PS- NO I WILL NOT MARRY YOU.
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