I actually think I made the right decision. I wasn't ready, at that time, to really commit to doing anything for an extended period of time. And as I've kicked and screamed and pushed myself to move forward, I've realized that even now I struggle with commitment. There's a part of me that wants to flit around based on the feelings of the moment. No anchor, just sails. Being tied to something- even something that's good for me or enjoyable- freaks me out with a capital "f." I've bucked and whined and pulled my hair out in every situation when I've had to give up time or energy to be a part of something.
I realized today that in so many of these things, I'm kind of like a kid in a turtleneck (or just me in a turtleneck because I'm kind of a child). On a frigid day, parents look for warm clothing for their children. Remembering that Crunchy Mom Monthly says that cold air on the throat can increase the likelihood of sickness and that terrifying 6 o' clock news story on the choking hazards of scarves...the parent chooses a turtleneck. Inevitably, the kid hates it. It's constricting, it's itchy, it's maybe even a little too warm at times. It feels like a prison to the kid. Likely there will be complaining and a few tugs at the neck. At the end of the day, getting out of that woolen prison is going to feel like the most important thing to that kid. The real reward, though, is not in escaping. It's in being warm and protected and making future days better (because they're a lot less likely to be filled with sickness and sadness). The end justifies the means.
Commitment is the grown-up version of the cold day/itchy turtleneck scenario. Sometimes as we're held to a thing, we just think about how uncomfortable it is. We think about what we're losing. We think about how restless we feel and how we can't wait for it to be over. We fail to think of the benefits that come from the experience. For the kid, it's staying warm and healthy. For me, it's learning and growing (and honestly, getting a piece of paper that magically makes people think you're special and deserving of more money...I'm not bitter). The moral of the story is, sometimes the situations that are most difficult or frustrating are the ones that reap the greatest rewards.
Earlier this week I was reading the daily devotional Tom and I have been doing together, Streams in the Desert (L.B. Cowman). It started with the verse, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) The writer spoke of an occasion when he witnessed an emperor moth trying to come out of its cocoon. It struggled for so long that he felt the urge to help it along. After cutting some of the threads, he observed the moth emerging. Yet instead of opening big, beautiful wings- it fluttered tiny, stumpy things. It turned out that the fight out of the cocoon is what makes the wings reach their full potential both in beauty and function. In trying to help the moth, the writer actually crippled it.
Sometimes when we're trying to stay comfortable, we hobble our potential. We focus on the sufferings and not the glory, talking ourselves out of the journey and subsequently the gifts it will bring.
So- wear the itchy turtleneck for a while. You might find that it changes you.
Love this! As I approached the new year, I kept getting a sense that for me it would be a year of action. I tend to hang out on the sidelines and do the thing where I think if I reach this goal, then I'll be more equipped to do this or that. But, really God has been showing me that my lack of action has been fear that I would fail, so I am really trying to be committed to not living in fear of failure and just acting, so that I won't look back at my life and think "I had so many opportunities that I just did not take."
ReplyDeleteRight there with you! A lot of it does come down to fear of failure...and ironically, going into it is failure in itself! Year of action- I like that!
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