You Are Allowed

There are so many things we limit ourselves in--not just in our self-belief of what we can accomplish, but in what we are permitted. What I mean is, in this culture of productivity, success, and comparison; we often fail to let ourselves be human beings. As such we are capable of great failure as much as great success, monumental struggle as much as monumental accomplishment, seemingly-insurmountable barriers even when the person next to us may, in appearance or in reality, have more to deal with in their day to day.

For a very long time, I didn't allow myself care. That's what it was, at the crux of it. I wasn't allowed to seek help for my problems because they were strictly my fault. If only I could be better, more organized, more motivated; if I could stop selfishly engaging in "down time" I could change everything. I wasn't allowed to claim any issue because on the surface, I didn't deserve to. "I don't have as much going on as that person over there," I would tell myself constantly--"so I can't possibly deserve to ask for anything." 

Every failure was a moral failure. Every untidy room, takeout dinner, poorly-executed social interaction, missed workout, and "lazy" day was a sign of my badness, wrongness. And in this cycle I heaped abuse on my mind that only exacerbated those same issues. "What the hell is wrong with you? Other people keep their houses clean all the time, work out, eat healthy, are a fantastic friend/family member, and look great. Why can't you?" I beat myself to a pulp about them, and weirdly enough, it made my sadness/irritability/depression/every negative emotion worse and took away my motivation even more. Because if you're just a piece of junk who can't keep up--why try?

Here's the thing. Maybe other people do all of those things flawlessly, easily, and without complaint. Maybe. But their ability to do them and my inability, at times, to do them does not make either of us morally superior or inferior. I'll freely admit I didn't come to this conclusion on my own. It started with research on the enneagram, and feeling like my personality could be understood was a big step. After that, it was following a TikToker (@domesticblisters, also known as K.C. Davis, author of How to Keep House While Drowning). The interesting thing was--once I started to show myself compassion when I "couldn't hack it," I actually got a lot more done. 

That self compassion eventually paved the way to seek help for my mental health. I allowed myself to verbalize a need, to say that my shortcomings might be results of unknown barriers, and to reach out to someone who could help me. I didn't have it "as bad" as people with similar issues, so I always told myself I wasn't allowed to identify with their struggles. Don't lie to yourself like that, delaying your healing. You. Are. Allowed.