Despite how it sounds, this blog is not about being mean to little kids building up their alphabet block towers. Well. Not literally. I wouldn't do such a thing! At least, probably not. I'm not as heartless as I seem. But it is about having our jejune works removed from the construction site. We've been playing with toys, hiding from everything that we need to see, refusing to be seen for who and what we truly are. But the time has come for our flimsy little forts to come tumbling down. And it will probably take less work than it took Joshua and his people to conquer Jericho. You like that? Walls reference? Nice. Patting myself on the back for that one. Anyway, it's my recent immersion in regularly attending a sizable college group that has got me thinking about this subject.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
There's a huge difference between being childlike and just plain childish. True, we are all children of God and should govern ourselves as such, but to reject growth is practically blasphemy. To be childish, by definition, is to be silly and immature. To be childlike, according to the dictionary, is to possess the positive qualities children have such as frankness (honesty), genuineness, innocence, and an incontrovertible sense of wonder.
One of the childish things we hold on to as we graduate is the high school mentality. And what, pray tell, is that? It is that part of us that holds on to grudges, gossips, and refuses to give others a chance should they be outside our normal social circles. It is that thing in our minds that proclaims love while simultaneously refusing to practice it.
I have never been one of the cool kids. I've always been one of the weirdos on the fringe. I hang out with my one or two colorful friends and people cast suspicious, sidelong glances at us and raise their eyebrows. I kind of float around with my silly one-liners. I can talk to everyone here and there, but at church or work or school, I've never been in the middle of the action. It's not that I didn't want to be part of things or make friends, it's that I just don't fit in.
When I was a teenager, I kind of let that fact define me. I'm thankful for it now. It's so easy to get caught up in the group-think and I probably wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have a tough skin, street smarts, independence, or the time it took for me to invest in my intellect and learn all I have learned so far. I wouldn't be able to really lead without worrying if I had the approval of my friends.
And yet, it crippled me as well. For years, I did my skim-the-surface routine. And I think I actually alienated a lot of people that way. I became selfish, even an unfeeling leader throughout my days in the worship band, Torches Together, and sometimes school. There have been times in the past couple of years where I literally could not breathe from the loneliness I had imposed upon myself. My image may ever be the scary thing I think it became. I'm still having trouble shaking that old view of me to where people don't automatically shy away skittishly. It's not that I was usually outright mean. It was just that I didn't care about people. And though I'm not truly scared of many things (if any), the camaraderie everyone else shares makes me nervous. I think I missed out on some experiences and got involved in things I wouldn't have had I not been so desperate to break out of solitude and those quiet Friday nights I abhorred so much.
And though I built these walls myself, I kind of hated everyone for it. And in return, I acquired their lasting dislike (at least that's how it looks through these Haylee-colored glasses). And yet just in the past two weeks or so, God kind knocked down my block-tower in one fell swoop. I don't have any negative emotions about the people that I know. Despite our differences, despite them not having some adaptations that I do have--I only feel that I would like to make amends, undo the damage I have done. Although, my pride suggests to me (yeah, it talks to me sometimes) that I have caused some ripples even from my remote island of Bitchonia. Excuse my bluntness. I'm sure none of you have ever used or heard such a term! Your tender sensibilities must be marred. I beg that you forgive me. Anyway, I've noticed other blogs popping up. Just saying. Even bit...ter jerks can be trend-setters.
I have been speaking and understanding like a child. I think we all have. But it is time to put those childish things away and truly look at ourselves, coming face to face with what we are and what we need to become. It's time to see ourselves through the eyes of our peers and would-be family. We will know as we are known. I believe that fits in with the "you reap what you sow" theme. So have you been dealing out love or judgment, compassion or cruelty?
I think that we've been too busy seeing people for who they used to be to get to know them. So yeah, I used to be kind of abrasive and maybe slightly terrifying. But I am not that person anymore (not to say that I don't still have issues from time to time). I went through a combination of traumatic events and my own willful rebellion that has made me someone else entirely. Not that I recommend learning lessons the way I did (because believe me, it's no picnic), but it took going through all that ugly mess to know how to care about things people outside of myself.
If we are going to have the least bit of success, we've got to get past these fake plastic grins and cliched well-wishing. Love is patient, love is kind--but love is also the ability to be honest with one another, even when what we've got going on behind the scenes is not ideal. I'm ready to be real. And I'm ready to go knocking down block towers. Are you?
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