Contrary to any notions you may have picked up from the title, this entry is not about a Green Day song. I actually really don't like them. However, it IS about feeling like I've had twenty-one guns pointed at my head since I turned 21 Friday. I know I'm being dramatic. People have so many more things to worry about than I do, and believe me, I'm not delusional about how "tough" things are in my lower middle class life. I just feel like a lot of things are changing lately. I'm feeling the pressure to improve exponentially--and rapidly. I'm feeling like I have to definitively decide what it is I want to do with the rest of my entire life. As insane as it sounds, I'm suddenly feeling that I've already missed too many chances and am already past my prime for accomplishing anything great. I'm feeling like I am playing 'catch-up' on life pretty much every day. Who am I, really? Have I done anything of value? Do I inspire anyone? I feel like the answers to my questions are negative. Don't get me wrong. I'm usually confident. I know my talents and some of my good qualities, but the past few days have inexplicably ushered in some sort of panic.
For example, I love music and writing. I know that I am gifted in both. But other than practicing and scribbling away, I don't know how to even begin to pursue either end. I don't even know what exactly I want to accomplish in either category. People have been telling me for years that I will do great things. I've heard prophesies and praises, expectations and hopes from teachers, pastors, and even strangers regarding who it is that I will become. I've felt it whilst grazing the outskirts of everyone else's social circles. I've needed to have faith in it because it made being an outsider worth it. What no one ever tells you is how to get "there," or for that matter, where "there" even is! Crap. I think I sound as manic as I feel, here. Rereading the past two paragraphs is stressing me out. haha. Deep breaths...
All right. Now, another thing that has got me feeling so overwhelmed is a renewed sense of responsibility. For five or six years, I was a hardcore leader. I was strict. I was a goody-two shoes. I was always super careful about being the perfect example to everyone. I lead worship, I lead small groups, I was a counselor at teen camp, I worked and went to school full time. And then something happened: I dropped all of my spinning plates.
Let me be terrifyingly honest. I got my heart broken and saw my plans destroyed. So, slowly, I gave into a lot of things I had so dutifully avoided. I drank too much. I messed around and lied. I stayed out all night in less-than-wholesome scenes. I broke hearts and I was selfish. I made some bad financial decisions and I was embarrassingly immodest. Once I started to come out of all of these horrible habits, I went into this self-imposed exile. I had to work every chance I got, so I didn't have time for leading worship or having a band. I didn't have the money to be a camp counselor (if they would've even wanted me anyway). I withdrew from all involvement in anything, really. I let others have responsibility because I was honestly exhausted from all those years of straining to keep myself on that impossibly-high pedestal. I just--gave up. It was a lot easier to just shrug everything off and do my own thing.
This summer, however, a few things happened to begin a change. For one, I got involved with a Bible study. It was slow-going at first. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go or that my presence was desired. But I felt so hungry to discuss the Word and to make sense of the knowledge I have in theology, that I began to really enjoy it. I've made some friends in that study and at work who encourage me to seek out that old version of myself again. It has been painful, honestly, to care. When you care about being a good person, you regret your mistakes. I can't take back my carelessness and dissoluteness. I can't be as innocent as I once was. I can, however, strive to reclaim a righteous stand and simultaneously have more grace and compassion than the straight-laced Haylee ever did. I can be kinder, work harder, and think more about how my actions will affect others.
I've had a lot of situations put in my path lately that seem to indicate that my long-suffering Father is fairly sick and tired of me trying to fade into the background. He's telling me that I have to lead. He's commanding me to share my experiences and open my heart to other people's struggles, showing compassion and giving what I can to help. I feel this huge sense of responsibility again and frankly, I've been resisting it. It's difficult to have people looking up to you. I want to be worthy of it again. I know I can't do everything, but I want to fix everyone's problems. I want to help my friends and family emotionally, financially, and physically. I want to be proactive about it. Sympathy isn't enough when people are hurting--they need action! I'm excited to become better, but I tend to be so very dramatic that I overwhelm myself with wanting the impossible. One of my favorite songs, "The Color Theft" by Oh, Sleeper, says: "What keeps this family of fighters from facing the war that they were bred for?" I've been running from the battle for far too long. I'm ready to be a warrior again, but to tell you the truth, it is scary as hell.
I know this was a long blog, and I'm sorry for that, but it's just like a pre-midlife crisis! While I know I'm being ridiculous, I feel like I'm just running out of time. There's so much that needs doing--and I want to do it all.
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