...to talk of many things--of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax--of cabbages and kings.
Honestly, I have no idea what it was that brought "The Walrus and the Carpenter" to my mind today. In my opinion, the time has always come to talk of many things. There's constantly something that needs addressing or someone who needs encouragement...or upbraiding. Don't mistake me, though--just because there's always something to say doesn't mean there's no time for silence. In all that, I'm really not sure I even had a point to make except to say that I think too often, people keep their mouths shut when words would be so much more appropriate or constructive.
One of the most annoying things that a person can do, in my opinion, is avoid telling me that I have upset/offended/annoyed them. Often, I find myself "the bad guy" because no one has had the guts to comment on a person's behavior that bothers them. I don't relish it. I try to say it in the kindest terms because the object is not to sow discord, but rather assure future harmony (admittedly, I do not always succeed in cushioning the blow as well as I might've hoped). It seems to me, though, that in simply running away from a person because of their habit of irking you, you become part of the problem and are not only harming the offending party, but quite possibly robbing yourself of a good friend. I can't say how many times I finally worked up the courage to confront someone, only to find that they had no idea they had been doing something that others construed as negative. I would then explain the situation and what the general view seemed to be, and they would both feel remorse and then take action to improve or discover the root of the problem.
In many cases, people have petty worries on their minds. When avoiding confrontation, it is usually one of two things that is the culprit: 1) The person cannot bear to think that someone might dislike them for being honest. Or, they may not care a bit what people think of them, but are 2) Too lazy to trouble the inconvenience of approaching the topic. If the first, becoming a people-pleaser usually earns you loathing in the end, because usually your true feelings are discovered, branding you a liar. If the second, that excuse is so invalid and full of apathy that I do not even wish to address it.
In order to illustrate this point, I want you to imagine that you are going out for a day on the town with a bunch of people. You wake, up late, however, and so get ready in a hurry. If you are a girl, you accidentally get mascara all over your face and don't notice. If you're a guy, you put on your shirt inside out and your tag is in the front. You carelessly leave your fly unzipped. Then, you stop for a meal and get broccoli in your teeth and some sort of sauce on your shirt. Now imagine that you hang out with these dozen or so people all day and no one whispers "X-Y-Z!" Not one "friend" says "Dude, do you need a napkin to wipe that crap off yourself?" No one offers you a hand mirror and a toothpick. At the end of the day you return home, feeling great, looking sassy (or so you think), and then realize all the intricacies of your unkempt appearance. Do you really like any of those people for letting you walk around like that, or do you kind of want to punch all of them? Letting someone walk around repelling people left and right and never opening your mouth about it is the same thing.
People are often amazed at how very close I am to my best friend Whitteny. We are so completely opposite sometimes, but then others it's like we're the same person. On very rare occasions, people find their soulmate in the form of a friend rather than a romantic interest. She is mine. But the reason that our friendship is so deep and strong and unfathomable (to a lot of people) is that one of the foundations of our relationship is the practice of an uncompromising frankness every day. She can tell me things I don't want to hear without flinching (even though because of my temper she often calls me a land-shark), and I can do the same for her. We can argue and debate and always find common ground and love each other more at the end of it. It clears the air rather than allowing clouds of pollution to gather and taint our everyday dealings.
A caution exists here, though. If you have shown someone only contempt, you should invest in them a bit more before you can justifiably earn the right to say something to them about necessary change. When moving to settle a turbulent situation, you should always come from a place of love and understanding. Be willing to at least conjecture reasons for the person's behavior. Just to be clear--reasons and excuses are not the same thing. Never make excuses for discourtesy, because then you are only condoning it. But finding out why a thing is done always helps me to be more patient with it. For example, consider how you would feel if you perceived that someone you just met treated you with coldness and disdain. Awful and annoyed, right? It might soften you a bit, however, if you found out that said person had just lost a loved one who you reminded them of; clearly this is an extreme example, but I am finding more and more that people are rarely offensive for no reason at all. Upbringing, personal problems, even something you did could be the cause. Maybe a bit of Sherlocking (digging deeper, if you will), would bring healing and resolution in the hearts of both parties.
I guess part of why I always just choose to open my mouth (however imprudent it may be), is that I truly believe that perfect love casts out fear. And if we're loving one another with perfect love, why should we be so deathly afraid of honesty?
No comments:
Post a Comment