Blog 37: The Sin of Self-Hatred

I have grown up with a few insecurities. I go back and forth between feeling voluptuous like Marilyn Monroe to feeling like Miss Piggy is my doppelganger. haha. I wish I was taller, I wish I was in better shape. I wish I was kinder, I wish I didn't have Fred Flinstone feet. I wish I was good at math or a better instrumentalist. Despite feeling these things every once in awhile, but at the end of the day I love myself--not in a narcissistic way (usually haha), but in a healthy way. Strangely enough, it took being around people more often for me to realize it. I can be a little neurotic sometimes, but I didn't realize how many people cannot even take a compliment. So many people whom I admire: beautiful women, handsome guys, intelligent people, funny people, talented people--don't even have any idea how awesome they are; they are literally incapable of believing good things about themselves.

I wish I could really nip this shit in the bud. And sorry for your delicate sensibilities, but shit is what it is. Where to begin? Well first, to debunk what seems to be a common thread of thought amongst my peers: severe insecurity is not the same as humility. In fact, it is a sort of pride. I saw a Beth Moore quote once that said insecurity represents "self curved in on itself" and I think that's a great description. Obsessing over your faults to the point where you cannot believe the truth (that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made") is still a fixation on yourself, arguably just as transgressive as narcissism. Worse still is that when you talk about how fat, ugly, or useless you are, you sound like you're fishing for those very compliments that you apparently don't believe. Consequently, 90% of your friends will get sick of your whiny, Debbie Downer attitude. And they might even walk away because of it.

Next, I'd like to mention that the media is just full of crap. I don't mean how they've made you feel not good enough--it's your choice to decide whether you want to be one of their cookie-cutter clones or an original and if you make the wrong choice, I don't feel sorry for you. No, I'm talking about all those movies where the lame, sad-sack girls attract Prince Charming by being mopey and self-conscious. When I was in my younger teenage years, I took this "fairytale" to heart. I wallowed in the bad things I thought about myself and even went through an embarrassing emo phase (Avril Lavigne, safety pin earrings, and goofy clothes included; haha). You know what, though? NO GOOD GUY LIKES THAT. EVER. No good girl can stand it for too terribly long, either, for that matter. Trust me. It makes a person feel suffocated, helpless, and eventually nauseous when he or she is trying to keep his or her significant other afloat. You're not going to get swept off your feet and you're not endearing. People think you're psychotic when you're thin (especially when you're thinner than everyone else in the room) and yet call yourself fat. They think you're irritating when they're all laughing at your jokes and then you say "no way!" when they tell you how entertaining or interesting you are. It is neither intriguing nor attractive to hate yourself.

Last but not least, I've got to say that this behavior is way worse in Christians. Your belief system is built around a Creator. Read Psalm 139 for crying out loud. He made you the way you are: your gifts, your looks, your intelligence are all part of who He wanted you to be. So when I say: "You are beautiful/charming/hilarious" and you say "No I'm not, I suck," you're basically making a statement that a perfect God who lovingly knit you in the womb screwed up His creation. My best friend is an artist. If I looked at one of her masterpieces and said: "Wow, that's terrible," it would break her heart! Thankfully, I've never had to tell her I didn't like some of her art, because objectively it's awesome. But the point stands.

I know there's a lot of tough love in this entry. Maybe it even comes off as mean. But I assure you, it's just pent-up frustration about having a front-row seat to this extremely damaging behavior. You have to stop only believing lies and horrible things about yourself. It will steal your happiness and hurt the people who love you. You've got to let go. You've got to stop wallowing. And you've got to learn to see yourself through the Father's eyes. Oh, and if you all could stop trying to act like the cast of Twilight, that'd be awesome, too. haha. Come on, everyone. We're better than this.