Blog 54: 8 Seemingly Innocuous Things That Are Arguably Quite Evil

There are so many injustices in this world. There are so many terrible things happening day by day. Some go by unnoticed. And what travesties, what brutalities are we missing day by day? Schmucks are walking around just committing atrocities. Here are a few that really burn my bacon, to use one of my favorite idiomatic phrases...

8: Cooking bacon in the microwave. Ironically, this terrible act does not, in fact, burn your bacon. It doesn't even cook it very well. Microwave cooking is overrated, you know? People have begun to take way too many shortcuts in life. It's all about speed and quantity rather than quality. Personally, I'm a fan of taking my time and making things delicious. Or beautiful. Or just generally perfect. But for the love of all that is holy, where do we draw the line?? You're telling me it's "just as good" as cooking it in a grease-filled pan? No way. I like my grease extra greasy, thank you. And my fat extra fatty, for that matter. So get your perverted excuse for breakfast food out of my face!

Whew, got a little upset there.

7: Smart phones. Now, here's my thing about them. Everyone I know who has one becomes addicted to the most pointless and ridiculously mind-numbing games. I don't care if you can throw a pig at a bird or whatever the hell that stupid game is about. Your face has been in your phone for several hours. You've completely lost all sense of productivity. And no, I do not find it exciting that you leveled up in Words with Friends. Can you level up? Probably not. I don't understand technology. Except for the fact that it's kind of evil and is slowly eating up all of your time and brain space. You'll be a drooling non-person soon if you aren't already. And all that extra money spent on a data plan? Ridiculous. Bunch of chumps.

6: Kettle brand chips. Not kettle-cooked chips, although that's what they are. It's the specific brand. They're a healthier choice as far as potato chips go. The problem is, they've got a very sinister plot behind them. They're addictive and delicious, like most chips are. But you get them every time thinking "I won't eat the whole bag this time. And look how healthy I'm being." But you're not! You're not being healthy, because you will eat the whole bag, and then you'll just be a fat, sad loser covered in flavored dust. Scrumptious, cheddar-flavored dust. Or sweet onion-flavored. Or buffalo-flavored...Yeah, I've been down that road. Don't go there, friend. I was in a dark place. Dark. And delectable.

5: Vampires. Hear me out. You may say silly things like "vampires aren't real" or "even if they were, people would know they were evil." I would reply that you are fatally incorrect. On both notions. I'm convinced vampires are real. I'm pretty sure Whitteny is a vampire, in fact. (For those of you just tuning in, she is my best friend and former roommate). Also, I don't think people would have a healthy trepidation. They'd probably just all die. Why? Because Stephanie Meyer turned vampires into sparkly, pansy-ass, lovesick artists. And everyone would want to fall in love with a vampire. Why not? They will never die and leave you, they're strong, and they've been around long enough to make their fortunes and get super smart. What's not to like? I'm telling you, don't be fooled. They're evil suckas. Literally. You won't get pregnant (unless Stephanie Meyer was right all around), but you WILL die.

4: The game/app called "Plague, Inc." For those of you who don't know, the object of this game is to eradicate all human life on earth by infecting everyone with a sickness. You can make it bacterial, viral, or even biological warfare in the higher levels. You use earned DNA points to purchase ways to make the sickness more transmittable, deadly, and resistant to the cure. All the while, all the countries in the world are trying to find a cure and you're popping bubbles that halt their research. It's pretty sadistic. The smartest way to play is to keep the sickness absent of symptoms until everyone is infected and virtually unafraid of consequences (and therefore not searching hard for the cure), then use your points to set off the deadliest blood disorders and make it more resistant. Twisted to the max. And I'm convinced that some evil genius somewhere is recording all of your ideas. Once a certain arbitrary amount of people beat the game, he will set his plan into motion to kill us all. So, congratulations. You're an accomplice in ushering in the apocalypse.

3: Dubstep. Yeah, I just added this one because it is only good for making shitty remixes of perfectly good music and ruining awesome songs. It also has been known to make eardrums bleed. If you like it, I hate you. Well. Not really. But I do question your judgment.

2: Good looks. As someone who is just obviously super hot, I can tell you it's a blessing and a curse. Just kidding. Really good-looking people really can be at a disadvantage in life. Their attractiveness is...dare I say...slightly evil. Of course, you can turn it around with a little bit of determination and elbow-grease, but if you don't work at it, you're ruined. Why, you ask? Well. If you're hot, you better have a good lie-detecting ability. A lot of people will be nicer to you than they would be to say, someone of average attractiveness. Someone like me. But they're probably not nice. They probably just want some booty. Listen to your ugly friends. They know. Next, it can keep people from really developing substance. If you can get by on your looks, why work on becoming more knowledgeable/intelligent? Why worry about being funny or interesting or kind? Not all people take on this apathy about self-improvement. But trust me, I've seen it happen. If that's you...you're gross. But you're probably a very good flirt who gets a lot of free shit. Yay for you.

1: Science. You atheist bastards. hahaha, just kidding. That was purely for reaction's sake. Isn't that how all Christians are supposed to think? That brings me to the real point: Prejudice. This one is more serious, yes. Prejudice about people with different ideas is dangerous and stupid. I know what I believe. I know what's true. But that doesn't mean I can't learn anything from people with other beliefs. For example, not everyone who cooks bacon in the microwave is a bad person. They were probably just misguided and confused at an early age, probably due to their upbringing. Or they just don't have tastebuds. Bless their hearts. Don't hate them because they're unfortunate. Everyone has something to offer, even if it's just ideas on what NOT to do. Prejudice prevents you from discovery. So does pride. Pride and prejudice. If Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett could overcome it, so can you.